Hope: Living With Lupus

This past week did not do as well as I prefer on a test.  Did I know the material?  Mostly, yes.  Was I prepared?  I believe I was.  What happened in-between my pre-test coffee with a friend and walking through that classroom door?  Something I can’t control, anticipate, or stop. 

                My heart started racing.  It hurt to breathe, my chest felt like it was being pulled apart with every shallow breath.  My hands started shaking to the point that I could not grip the pencil.  Words danced in front of my eyes, legible but I couldn’t comprehend their meaning.  I started to burn up, feeling every nerve ending firing away as though it was their last stand.  Guess what?!  I didn't do so hot.

                Is it my fault that I couldn’t read or write? Yes and no.  It’s my body so I’m responsible for what I do, regardless of the situation.  On the other hand, I couldn’t control what was happening.  Can you imagine what it’s like to be sitting in a classroom shaking uncontrollably and just KNOWING that you could do nothing to help yourself?  It’s terrifying and humiliating.  I remember running to the bathroom after time was called and retching from the stress being placed on my body.  I was physically and mentally exhausted, and spiritually drained.

                That day was the stuff of nightmares.  The professor has since told me that he cannot help me, and to reconsider my career choice. While I absolutely refuse to do that and take EXTREME offense, I am not certain that I will not be sick during the next exam.   I'm a Christian.  I'm a weightlifter.  I am smart.  I am ridiculously stubborn.  I will not be bullied by the world or by my own body.  I know that I'm skilled, highly intelligent, and extremely qualified to be an engineer.  I will always fight.  I know that I can get through that class and school easily if I can maintain my health.

                What do I fear?  I fear that people won’t see the hard work I put into my health and school, but only see a person who’s always tired, about to black out, and is unable to do extracurricular things because she’s scared for her health.  Lupus, fibromyalgia, and thoracic outlet syndrome have tried to take away the physical things I love: health, strength, memory.  My biggest struggle is to not let fear over-rule my life.

                The question of the hour is “how does one deal with that amount of stress and worry?”  I can honestly say that I don’t know the best way.  What I do know is that someday, my problems will be able to help someone else.  The pain I endure now, while I know it will only get worse, is worth something.  Perhaps it will help another person enduring a chronic disease to maintain their faith in God, and believe that there is hope at the end of the day.  I don’t know what God has planned for me, but the only way I can handle the pain and fear is knowing that somehow God has a plan to use me for His purpose.  He is molding me into someone who can serve Him in a unique way, a way that I may not fully understand yet. 

                Romans 8:18 says that “The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming."  While I may not always feel like there’s hope, I KNOW that this is not the end of the line for me.  Faith is a fact, not a feeling.  God has made me to be a fighter and so I will fight on.  My life will not be defined by this disease, despite the limitations forced upon me.  I will never stop fighting the uphill battle of my life, and can only hope that someday, someone somewhere will look at my life and appreciate the struggle I have endured and respect me for it while realizing that it was God working through me.  I pray that through my life God will work to show others that there is a way to push through and not just survive, but LIVE. 

               I find that more aged hymns tend to encapsulate my feelings best.  One such hymn, written in 1874 by Frances Havergal, really hits home.  It is based on Romans 12:1, which says “herefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.”  Below are the lyrics and video of a vocalized version.  I hope that this touches your heart and gives you hope as it does me. 

Take My Life and Let It Be

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
*Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in endless praise.

Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee.

Take my silver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.

Living with Lupus: Physical Aspects

What people say vs what you hear/they mean:

              

           With lupus and fibromyalgia, the disorders and the medications to treat them cause skin imperfections, weight gain, and joint swelling.  I personally spend 2 hours weightlifting with another hour of card cardio 5-6 days a week, eat an anti-inflammatory diet, and have my entire day planned and organized such that my stress level is minimized to maximize my health.  Do people see that time and energy poured into maintaining a healthy weight and keeping my immune system from breaking down my body any further? Of course not, they only see me as a not-skinny, lazy person who needs to work harder.

               My diet is designed to minimize the amount of inflammation in my joints from the fibromyalgia, lupus, and arthritis that ravages my bones.  I have to avoid dairy, eggs, all meat, potatoes, peppers, eggplant, and any hydrogenated fats.  Essentially, I’m being forced into veganism.  When people find out about that, they don’t see a person who has to eat healthy, tasteless, boring CRAP, they see a hippy who considers themselves to be better than everyone else.  I don’t think that, my diet makes me miserable.  I hate being a burden on the people around me, I miss bacon, I miss cheese, and I really miss being able to just sit down and eat a nice baked chicken breast for supper when I feel like it.

               I weight-lift almost every day, getting to the gym at 7 and leaving at 10am.  Due to a shoulder surgery that removed about 2/3 of my right shoulder, I have many handicaps.  Despite this, I can bench-press 155 lbs, military press 105 lbs, squat 205 lbs, and deadlift 225 lbs.  I run when my arthritis allows, and run on the elliptical for at least an hour before weightlifting.  Does it help? Yes!  My medications and medical problems cause most people to gain 40lbs, which I have avoided.  I maintain a healthy figure, but I pour enough heart and will into my exercise that I should look like a bodybuilder.  Is that fair? No.  Do people see that? No, they don’t know the constant work I put into looking as healthy as I do.

               What’s the lesson to learn here?  If you don’t know someone, don’t judge their appearance.  There are medical conditions that can make someone look less “perfect” despite any effort made in contradiction.  Be conscientious, be considerate, be caring.

Bartram: Naturalism Points to Christian Salvation

"The higher powers and affections of the soul are so blended and connected with the inferior passions, that the most painful feelings are excited in the mind with the latter are crossed; thus in the moral system, which we have planned for our conduct, as a ladder whereby to mount to the summit of terrestrial glory and happiness, and from whence we perhaps meditated our flight to heaven itself, at the very moment when we vainly imagine ourselves to have attained its point, some unforeseen accident intervenes, and surprises us."  William Bartram

         Bartram, a naturalist at the end of the 18^th century and beginning of the 19^th, makes some interesting points in this statement: He notes the irreversible connection between a man’s soul and his sinful, broken human nature. The result of the two being contained within the same vessel is a constant, inescapable crossing between the two.  He stipulates that, if the two are placed at odds, the result is a painful emotional response.  This response could be remorse, anger, guilt, etc.  For example, if a person makes a mistake or wrongs another, his conscience or soul is at odds with his sin nature. 

         According to the passage, the general morality system to which mankind aligns its actions, is an institution by which we try to reach a type of enlightenment or higher state of being.  Morals are, to a person in pain from his sins, a way to escape his sins through being “good.”  This code is often used with the goal of attaining absolution and a “flight to heaven” after perfect compliance with generic morality standards. 

         The conclusion of this passage takes a darker tone.  After taking us to an emotional high with references to a correlation between heaven and good deeds, Bertram takes us back down to reality.  Man’s human nature is, after all, ever dragging us down as said in the previous statements about “inferior passions.”  Due to our sin nature, a perfect life is not attainable.  A person might get a temporary euphoria from doing a good deed and believe him/herself to have attained perfection, but it is short-lived.  Our human inclination is to sin, and therefore it is impossible to achieve nirvana, good karma, absolution, or any other type of morality-based salvation.       

While Bartram held the naturalist worldview that only the laws of nature govern the world and there is no supernatural influence, this statement spans worldviews for its analysis of the connection between a soul and sin actions.  I leave it to the reader to perceive the origin of true salvation but my conclusion is that salvation is through the Judeo-Christian God who, when asked, forgives your sins and accepts you into Heaven through faith in Jesus Christ).  As far as Bartram’s beliefs, based on his statements on the impossibility of attaining salvation through works consider this:

Can you really be saved from yourself by yourself?

Cavitation: How Bubbles Cause Massive Destruction

            Cavitation.  Not a cavity in your teeth, but an extremely powerful, destructive, explosive bubble of high-pressure gas that can destroy even the strongest of metals.  My guess is that you haven’t heard of it..  Often invisible, this occurrence can tear apart rockets and other high-powered liquid fuel projectiles.  

A vacuum pressure is any pressure that is below the atmospheric pressure (approximately 14.7 psi).  Cavitation is a vacuum force that can be up to approximately -15954 psi (Pounds per square inch) of pressure given a water flow at about 100⁰ C.  For a comparison point, a generic Air-Gun (pellet gun) operates at about 800 psi, a paintball gun operates at about 4,496 psi, and the average human blood pressure is between about 1.5 and 2.3 psi.  Obviously, this is a powerful force with immense destructive capabilities.

A vacuum can be formed from water flowing at a high pressure through a pipe, an orifice of a smaller size and/or shape than the original pipe, and back into the larger pipe diameter.  When the water is forced at a high speed through said orifice, it can cause a turbulent flow on the far side of the orifice.  As the flow lines go into the larger diameter again, a vacuum is formed in the corners of the pipe as a result of the water being forced to burst at a high pressure through the small orifice.  Temperature is a form of energy output.  When the pressure changes in the water flow occur the water absorbs and releases the energy resultant from the pressure changes.  This results in rapidly changing temperatures in the water as it flows through an orifice.  Essentially, the change in the pipe shape causes a rapid and drastic pressure and temperature change in the water flow.

                           

It’s pretty common knowledge that a high temperature can cause a liquid to boil.  However, it is less well known that a high pressure can also cause a liquid to boil.  The increased pressure breaks the polar covalent bonds holding water molecules together and causes the liquid to vaporize. 

Cavitation is a phenomenon that happens when a pressure is lower than the liquid’s vapor pressure.  This can be seen when a high pressure rapidly releases into a low pressure region.  The rapid change in pressure can cause vaporization of the water to occur, causing bubbles to form.  These bubbles grow in size and, at a certain point, shrink and implode, releasing a high amount of energy into the surrounding area. The shrinkage is a result of the low pressure bubble being surrounded and pressed upon by a high-pressure surrounding region.  This phenomenon is called “Bubble Fusion,” or “Sonofusion.”  It is a hypothesis that a nuclear fusion reaction happens inside of extraordinarily large vapor bubbles that collapse after cavitation.  

These bubbles can flow out with the water and cause minor to major instability in the water, called a turbulent flow.  Turbulent flow can cause the water to release in spurts or randomized flow lines.  If the purpose of the liquid flow is to service an engine of some kind, the unstable flow can result in inconsistent combustion of the fuel.  In a rocket, this can cause the flight path to be altered because the combustion occurs in spurts and/or lessen the altitude that the rocket might reach.

The second way cavitation can cause problems happens if the bubbles get trapped in a pocket around which the flow lines go.  When the temperature decreases or liquid pressure surrounding the bubbles increases, the bubbles collapse in on themselves.  The energy release from the implosion is a shock wave that, when occurring repeatedly, causes a cyclic stress on any nearby surface.  Over time, this constant strain on a material can do damage to the point that it can burst under high pressure.  If this were to occur in an engine, it runs a major risk of explosion.  On a more positive note, cavitation can be used as a cleaning agent.  The shock waves loosen and remove any contaminants or particles on a surface and allow for a very intensive cleaning.

               Long story short, it really is the little things in life!  You can look at the “Big-Picture” all day long, but your amazing, futuristic, over-arching plans can be easily demolished by something on the atomic-level. 

SLE Is Not ME

I heard something interesting when I was seeing my doctor the other day.  He told me that a large part of why I am in acute pain 24-7 is because I was an athlete and I maintain an extremely active lifestyle.  It’s an interesting thought I’d like to explore.

Background: I’m sitting in the library studying for a quiz, and I’m in so much pain that I’m seriously considering asking a friend to take me to the ER.  I most likely have SLE (Systematic Lupus Erythematosus) and fibromyalgia.  I’m in the process of being diagnosed by several doctors.  Here’s a list of things caused by lupus:

•  Swollen, stiff, painful joints
• Fevers
• Extreme fatigue
• Skin rashes
• Sun sensitivity
• Swelling around joints
• Tingling
• Numbness
• Full body pain
• Chest pain
•  Difficulty breathing
• Pale, swollen fingers
•  Mouth ulcers
• Headaches
• Memory Loss
• Confusion
• Nausea
• Dizziness

The list goes on, but you get the picture. Basically, it sucks.

           

Now.  Why would my active lifestyle cause me to feel these things all the more acutely?  Neuroscience research is now being done to study how exercise stimulates the production of neurons and nerves.  One way to look at it is like this:

1.  Exercise of a muscle increases blood flow to that region.
2.  Increased blood flow (specifically cerebral blood flow) increases brain activity.
3.  Increased brain activity increases the neuron activation.
4. Increased neuron activation leads to being physically more aware and sensitive to the things you feel within and around your body.

Click here to see an article that goes more into depth about this.

Essentially, a person who exercises can feel nerve damage and pain very acutely, and is very in tune to things going wrong inside their body.  Someone whose nervous system is not quite so well-trained and developed might not feel internal changes quite so succinctly.

Looking at the symptoms of lupus, which include fatigue, weakness, numbness, dizziness, etc., you might think “What the hell is she doing working out in her condition?!  She’s gonna get hurt!”  I’m not going to argue with that.  I have been hurt: I’ve dropped 205 pounds half on my leg because my fingers lost their strength mid-deadlift.  My shoulder has given out on my while I was deadlifting and I strained my other shoulder trying to keep the weight from falling on my chest.  My knees and ankles have collapsed while I run or am on the elliptical… or just walking normally for that matter.  My failing sense of balance caused me to get a severe inversion sprain on my ankle while on a run… 1.5 miles away from my apartment, and another time caused me to fall and take all of the skin off of my knee (again, 1.5 miles away from my apartment… and the morning of a final exam!!).  Working out is DEFINITELY not safe for me.  I honestly don’t feel safe in my body when I work out, and am constantly alert and terrified that some joint will fail, or weakness and numbness will set in at the absolute worst time…

               (sidenote: my spotters are awesome.  They keep me going and are extremely aware of my limitations.  They don’t let me go too far and watch to make sure I don’t kill myself while lifting.)

Why do I do it then?  Why don’t I just give up and let the fatigue control me.  Why don’t I change my alarm from 4 am to 8am?  Why don’t I stop weight lifting and running and swimming and rock climbing and hiking?

I should be more careful.  I shouldn’t be doing these things most of the time, they’re dangerous to me.  But I will not be a slave to the pain, weakness, and exhaustion that plagues me daily.  I’m only 20 years old, what type of person would I be if I set myself up for a life of succumbing to hardship and pain now?  I’m not a great person.  I’m not a role model.  I’m not even that brave.  I just don’t want to be a failure to myself and the people around me.  My best friend just told me that I’m brave recently… but really what drives my courage is an enormous, terrifying fear of just surviving.  I want to LIVE!  Living and surviving are completely different things.

Long story short:  My life is full of change, and the only two things I see as constant are God and pain.  Which do I want people to think of when they look at me?  Which do I want to let define my life?  Will I give up MY life and MY hobbies for pain?  Never. 

My life is pain.  But I am not pain.  It does not control me. 

All Quiet on the Western Front

          In Barron's Notes, Christine R. Barker and R. W. Last analyze the philosophy of Erich Maria Remarque’s modern classic All Quiet on the Western Front. They believe  the book to theorize that the world has fallen so far into decay that it no longer makes sense. This worldview is justified through the eyes of one who is not Christian, but not for one who is saved.

         Barron's Notes states that “human existence can no longer be regarded as having any ultimate meaning.” They accredit this, not to the inabilities of the characters to reason, but to the near impossibility of seeing order and reason in a world of hate and violence. The authors of Barron's Notes wrote that “Remarque refuses to lull his reader into a false sense of security, into thinking that God is in his heaven and all is right with the world.”

         The idea that the Remarque did not write All Quiet on the Western Front to have any “ultimate meaning” is correct. The main character joined for the glory and camaraderie, but left saying “Let the months and years come, they can take nothing from me, they can take nothing more. I am so alone, and so without hope that I can confront them without fear. The life that has borne me through these years is still in my hands and my eyes. Whether I have subdued it, I know not. But so long as it is there it will seek its own way out, heedless of the will that is within me.”The men instinctively do not want to make sense of war, in all its murder and hellishness.  In that, they do not want to see God as being involved in that war, for they do not truly believe that such a Being could permit such chaos if He were not Himself violently disposed.

           In truth, life is to be lived for the glory of God, and all people are called to worship Him (Romans 15:7-12). Without a grasp on the ultimate will of God, one can not make sense of the way the world works. When such an understanding is reached,life, event

         Barron's Notes demonstrates rather accurately the ideology behind All Quiet on the Western Front. The hopelessness and helplessness exhibited in Remarque’s classic is symbolic of the philosophies of many people worldwide. All Quiet on the Western Front shows the often-made choice to refuse to understand the purpose behind an action in defense of a sin-stricken humanity, and people that shaped history begin to fall into line that points towards the second coming of Jesus Christ. 

  

Are All Horses White?

Here’s a homework assignment I had a few weeks ago in Elementary Number Theory:

Find the flaw in the following ‘proof by induction.’

CLAIM: Alexander the Great has been always riding a white horse

PROOF: It suffices to prove that all horses are white, since then, in particular, the horses ridden by Alexander the Great were always white.  To prove the latter, let us employ mathematical induction.

One can certainly find a white horse.  This establishes the base for induction. 

Suppose that any k horses are white, k≥1.  Let us show that any (k+1) horses are white.  Take k+1 horses.  Choose any k of them.  By assumption, these are all white.  Take one of the chosen k horses and exchange it with the (k+1)-st horse.  The new group of k horses, by assumption consists of white horses only and the new (k+1)-st horst is now white, because it was chosen from among white horses.  Thus all of the k+1 horses are white and the validity of the inductive step has been established.

By the principle of mathematical induction, all horses are white.

Basically, the idea is to prove that every horse that has ever existed is white, so therefore every horse that Alexander the Great has owned has been white.  The proof says that there is a group of k horses, where k is any number.  Since this proof starts where k=1, let’s take one horse.  Because any k horses has to be white, the horse has to be white.  When you add a second horse, you have a group of k+1 horses.  Because k=1, the added second horse is also a group of k.  Because any group of k horses must be white, both horses in the set of k+1 have to be white.

Since we showed that the proof is solid for any group of k=1 horses, let’s look at a larger sample.  For inductive proofs, we have to show that, for any number k that is a natural number (any number greater than 0: 1,2,3,…) the statement must be true for k+1.  

For example, let k=3.  There are three white horses in the group.  If you add one horse to the group, you will have k+1 horses, or 4.  Based on the statement that three (k) horses in the group HAVE to be white, you can take any random grouping of three horses and they must all be white horses.  This being said, if you take a group of 3 (k) horses and it includes the horse that was added last (the 4^th horse), all of the horses in that group must be white.  That cycle would continue until it is proven that every horse in the group of k+1 (4) horses HAS to be white.

That’s OBVIOUSLY not true.  But it seems airtight at first glance, right?

Here’s the problem: We started with a group of k=1.  Of COURSE every horse in a group with only one horse in it is going to have only ONE color of horse.  Duh.  If we started with a bigger group, such as k=2, you would significantly cut down on this error as you can’t make the same assumption that both horses in a group where k>1 are the EXACT same color.

Well, there’s the mathematical version!  Let’s look at it from a few other points of view.

PHYSICS:

Think about the definition of color.  Color is the refraction of specific wavelengths of light from different objects.  Black is the absence of light or when all light is absorbed into an object and no color is reflected (by the way, black is not actually a color as it is a LACK of color/light).  Color is, therefore, dependent on the presence of light.  It can therefore be argued that all things are black when light is absent.  Also, it can be argued that everything is black… plus light and color.  Speaking from a physicist’s point of view, everything is black and color is a side-effect of the presence of light.

BIOLOGY:

Consider an albino horse.  PURE white. 

Albino horses are the result of a genetic mutation where melanin is not being made.  Melanin is the pigmentation of skin, hair, and eyes.  Without melanin, it is impossible for there to be any color present in the fur, skin, or eyes of a horse.  Therefore, speaking from a biologist’s standpoint, EVERY horse could be called white. 

If albinism is the absence of melanin, then every horse is white… plus color!  Every horse contains the potential to be albino as they have the same properties of an albino horse… plus melanin.  Horses are all white, plus color! Think of it like an equation:

Albino=Horse-Melanin
Horse=Albino+Melanin

Conclusion?  There are always multiple ways to look at one problem.  Don't get tunnel vision, you might miss out on some really amazing facts!