Hope: Living With Lupus

This past week did not do as well as I prefer on a test.  Did I know the material?  Mostly, yes.  Was I prepared?  I believe I was.  What happened in-between my pre-test coffee with a friend and walking through that classroom door?  Something I can’t control, anticipate, or stop. 

                My heart started racing.  It hurt to breathe, my chest felt like it was being pulled apart with every shallow breath.  My hands started shaking to the point that I could not grip the pencil.  Words danced in front of my eyes, legible but I couldn’t comprehend their meaning.  I started to burn up, feeling every nerve ending firing away as though it was their last stand.  Guess what?!  I didn't do so hot.

                Is it my fault that I couldn’t read or write? Yes and no.  It’s my body so I’m responsible for what I do, regardless of the situation.  On the other hand, I couldn’t control what was happening.  Can you imagine what it’s like to be sitting in a classroom shaking uncontrollably and just KNOWING that you could do nothing to help yourself?  It’s terrifying and humiliating.  I remember running to the bathroom after time was called and retching from the stress being placed on my body.  I was physically and mentally exhausted, and spiritually drained.

                That day was the stuff of nightmares.  The professor has since told me that he cannot help me, and to reconsider my career choice. While I absolutely refuse to do that and take EXTREME offense, I am not certain that I will not be sick during the next exam.   I'm a Christian.  I'm a weightlifter.  I am smart.  I am ridiculously stubborn.  I will not be bullied by the world or by my own body.  I know that I'm skilled, highly intelligent, and extremely qualified to be an engineer.  I will always fight.  I know that I can get through that class and school easily if I can maintain my health.

                What do I fear?  I fear that people won’t see the hard work I put into my health and school, but only see a person who’s always tired, about to black out, and is unable to do extracurricular things because she’s scared for her health.  Lupus, fibromyalgia, and thoracic outlet syndrome have tried to take away the physical things I love: health, strength, memory.  My biggest struggle is to not let fear over-rule my life.

                The question of the hour is “how does one deal with that amount of stress and worry?”  I can honestly say that I don’t know the best way.  What I do know is that someday, my problems will be able to help someone else.  The pain I endure now, while I know it will only get worse, is worth something.  Perhaps it will help another person enduring a chronic disease to maintain their faith in God, and believe that there is hope at the end of the day.  I don’t know what God has planned for me, but the only way I can handle the pain and fear is knowing that somehow God has a plan to use me for His purpose.  He is molding me into someone who can serve Him in a unique way, a way that I may not fully understand yet. 

                Romans 8:18 says that “The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming."  While I may not always feel like there’s hope, I KNOW that this is not the end of the line for me.  Faith is a fact, not a feeling.  God has made me to be a fighter and so I will fight on.  My life will not be defined by this disease, despite the limitations forced upon me.  I will never stop fighting the uphill battle of my life, and can only hope that someday, someone somewhere will look at my life and appreciate the struggle I have endured and respect me for it while realizing that it was God working through me.  I pray that through my life God will work to show others that there is a way to push through and not just survive, but LIVE. 

               I find that more aged hymns tend to encapsulate my feelings best.  One such hymn, written in 1874 by Frances Havergal, really hits home.  It is based on Romans 12:1, which says “herefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.”  Below are the lyrics and video of a vocalized version.  I hope that this touches your heart and gives you hope as it does me. 

Take My Life and Let It Be

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
*Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in endless praise.

Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee.

Take my silver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.