I heard something interesting when I was seeing my doctor
the other day. He told me that a large
part of why I am in acute pain 24-7 is because I was an athlete and I maintain
an extremely active lifestyle. It’s an
interesting thought I’d like to explore.
Background: I’m sitting in the library studying for a quiz,
and I’m in so much pain that I’m seriously considering asking a friend to take
me to the ER. I most likely have SLE
(Systematic Lupus Erythematosus) and fibromyalgia. I’m in the process of being diagnosed by
several doctors. Here’s a list of things
caused by lupus:
- Swollen, stiff, painful joints
- Fevers
- Extreme fatigue
- Skin rashes
- Sun sensitivity
- Swelling around joints
- Tingling
- Numbness
- Full body pain
- Chest pain
- Difficulty breathing
- Pale, swollen fingers
- Mouth ulcers
- Headaches
- Memory Loss
- Confusion
- Nausea
- Dizziness
The list goes on, but you get the picture. Basically, it
sucks.
Now. Why would my active lifestyle cause me to
feel these things all the more acutely? Neuroscience research is now being done to
study how exercise stimulates the production of neurons and nerves. One way to look at it is like this:
- Exercise of a muscle increases blood flow to that region.
- Increased blood flow (specifically cerebral blood flow) increases brain activity.
- Increased brain activity increases the neuron activation.
- Increased neuron activation leads to being physically more aware and sensitive to the things you feel within and around your body.
Click here
to see an article that goes more into depth about this.
Essentially, a person who exercises can feel nerve damage
and pain very acutely, and is very in tune to things going wrong inside their
body. Someone whose nervous system is
not quite so well-trained and developed might not feel internal changes quite
so succinctly.
Looking at the symptoms of lupus, which include fatigue,
weakness, numbness, dizziness, etc., you might think “What the hell is she
doing working out in her condition?! She’s
gonna get hurt!” I’m not going to argue
with that. I have been hurt: I’ve
dropped 205 pounds half on my leg because my fingers lost their strength
mid-deadlift. My shoulder has given out
on my while I was deadlifting and I strained my other shoulder trying to keep
the weight from falling on my chest. My
knees and ankles have collapsed while I run or am on the elliptical… or just
walking normally for that matter. My failing
sense of balance caused me to get a severe inversion sprain on my ankle while
on a run… 1.5 miles away from my apartment, and another time caused me to fall
and take all of the skin off of my knee (again, 1.5 miles away from my
apartment… and the morning of a final exam!!).
Working out is DEFINITELY not safe for me. I honestly don’t feel safe in my body when I
work out, and am constantly alert and terrified that some joint will fail, or
weakness and numbness will set in at the absolute worst time…
(sidenote:
my spotters are awesome. They keep me
going and are extremely aware of my limitations. They don’t let me go too far and watch to
make sure I don’t kill myself while lifting.)
Why do I do it then?
Why don’t I just give up and let the fatigue control me. Why don’t I change my alarm from 4 am to
8am? Why don’t I stop weight lifting and
running and swimming and rock climbing and hiking?
I should be more careful.
I shouldn’t be doing these things most of the time, they’re dangerous to
me. But I will not be a slave to the
pain, weakness, and exhaustion that plagues me daily. I’m only 20 years old, what type of person would
I be if I set myself up for a life of succumbing to hardship and pain now? I’m not a great person. I’m not a role model. I’m not even that brave. I just don’t want to be a failure to myself and
the people around me. My best friend
just told me that I’m brave recently… but really what drives my courage is an
enormous, terrifying fear of just surviving.
I want to LIVE! Living and
surviving are completely different things.
Long story short: My
life is full of change, and the only two things I see as constant are God and
pain. Which do I want people to think of
when they look at me? Which do I want to
let define my life? Will I give up MY
life and MY hobbies for pain?
Never.
My life is pain. But I
am not pain. It does not control me.
